I'm sort of surprised this was allowed on Stack Exchange at all, but it sure is fun to read.

I'm reminded once again that a skilled user of Mathematica is the closest thing to being a real life wizard that I've ever seen. I have reservations about Wolfram and about their awkward 'look what we can do' hybrid blog-advertisements, and I'm not sure if I would be comfortable ever using the language in a production system, but I'm inclined to learn it just to be able to do data-magic in front of people.