You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categories will feign serious interest just to screw you, after which you will be ignored. That is what a couple of my wife’s friends who are in this category often struggle with. So, my suggestion is to restrict your search to second-hand men.
You might actually WANT a 2nd hand man, because those who have had a family before would have less qualms doing it again (if they have the means) and can decide fast knowing what they are getting into.
What you are short on is time, but I assume you don't want to compromise either. Someone who is widowed or divorce (that's not his fault) isn't a compromise in his quality as an individual, but one of time and some resources. But he would very much appreciate a mature woman who is open to his family.
Not gonna lie: if I didn't have kids and was single, I'd shoot for early 30's max until I was into my 50's. Unless you were a knockout who is just better than me (but then you wouldn't want me either). But having kids changes that equation immensely, because I'd appreciate the partner aspect much more because there is less pressure to have multiple kids.
Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beautiful one hadn’t been taken.” I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for sale ? :) love divorced guys though. And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:)
Everyone has some flags, but I thought you said you'd had a boyfriend from an app before? If it was more than a purely physical relationship, I think you're off the hook :)
> And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:)
Aww I'm honored, and FYI- I literally just sent out the invites for mine this coming August :D Cheers!
why don't you invite actfrench to your wedding? last wedding I was at ended with 3 new couples, at least. then actfrench can invite you to her wedding :D
Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !
> Someone that is looking HARD for ways to be offended is not relationship material.
Relationship material is subjective, and this is a really insensitive way to say you don't think you'd be compatible with them (some might say insensitivity makes someone "not relationship material")
For what it's worth, I'm a man and I understand why that language is off-putting to women. Also more interested in women who are more interested in being the taker than the takee, but I'm weird like that, I think gender scripts have most men seeking women looking for partners to take a more passive role (at least in some regards)
Well said, also another red flag, at least for me, is that she mentioned that she is looking for qualities of a partner like looking for a CTO. But the difference is that with a CTO is it is purely an economic relationship which can be terminated at anytime with no hard feelings while with a life partner or a husband, it is more of a covenant relationship meant to survive future uncertainties and so really less flashy qualities such as loyalty, tolerance and humility are more attractive than popularity, beauty or intelligence.
I absolutely disagree. Someone you work with every day who is an intimate partner in your company that you depend on for your livelihood is far from someone that you can terminate with no hard feelings. I'm sure anyone who has built a company and had to part with a CTO knows that there were many many feelings involved and it was a real partnership and by no means easy.
loyalty, tolerance and humility are qualities i would also like in a business partner because our business relationship should also be able * to survive future uncertainties*
I'm not comment OP, but you literally said "I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for SALE?"
A women for sale is pretty much a whore, so it doesn't seem they read into rather than taking you literally.
But even regardless, the fact that you took his word 'taken' in a literal sense rather than the compliment it was intended as, and here your defending it again rather than reflecting.
If your crossing off guys because they compliment you with common colloquial phrases that you take literally and negatively, well, you will indeed have a short list of suiters.
Impossible to answer. Social cues are tough. It all depends on how it was said and how it was meant - could be a totally innocuous comment or something to be concerned about.
For some people, “why have you not been taken” may mean nothing more than “I really like you and I can’t believe you are available.”
If we have been chatting friendly for a while already, then flattered. It's clearly implying that from their perspective I appear to be very desirable.
And if it was a serious question asked early on, I would probably reply with something I don't like about myself, a weakness, if you will. It's not an entirely unreasonable question.
