I'm pretty sure no one (including myself) even understands what urbit is.

It's very simple, this summary explains everything: https://twitter.com/urbit/status/1184984759123922945

Kidding aside, I think it's unlikely that a deliberately obfuscated project will conquer the world.

omg that has to be the worst explanation of a piece of software that I've seen in a long while

I don't disagree, but the design of urbit is such that there's a path to it being good - that's not true of any other system built on the current stack (imo) because they don't fix the underlying incentive failures that lead to centralization in the first place.