My parents want to install applications of their choosing on their devices, but have no interest in knife-cooked dinner.

I find this hard to believe. Don’t get me wrong, freedom to sideload apps is a thing I believe in, but saying ‘it’s because my parents want more freedom’ is certainly a stretch.

It's about as much of a stretch as "actually my parents want an idiot phone"

I’m not sure what your point is, I know plenty of people who would prefer dumb phones, probably more than who would be interested in sideloading?