Yes, regrets: I don’t sleep properly because of them, my self-care has gone down the tubes, and they brought out a temper in me that I never knew that I had (probably a side-effect of the sleep deprivation). Life is generally much harder.
No regrets: I love them dearly…I guess everybody says that. If you’ve ever had that “struck by lightning” falling-in-love, it was like that for me for each of my kids. It’s a deep, lizard-brain bond and I know I will love them with my whole heart until my dying breath. Perhaps more useful to hear, though, if you don’t have kids already: it has permanently changed who I am, in every way. I really much prefer the person that I am now than who I was before having kids.
They say you shouldn’t have kids for the following reason, but dammed if I can figure out why: children have given my life purpose.
That purpose infected me and begat many other purposes; I changed careers, I took up new hobbies, I developed skills I previously had no interest in, all of which have contributed to a much richer and more meaningful life, albeit more difficult as well.
It is also often said that kids are very expensive (and they really are, in both time and money). However, at least for me, many of the life choices that have made me significantly more financially secure, I never would have made if I hadn’t had kids. And although I have far less time, my time now feels valuable to me. Psychologically, I feel much better grounded and happier in general. My kids have made me richer in every respect, including the counter-intuitive ways.
Sometimes I joke with my wife that the above sentiments are Stockholm syndrome. Maybe so, but that doesn’t make the sentiment any less real, even if it is born out of a fundamental irrationality. Keep that in mind while reading folks who say they have no regrets: their past selves might have regretted it, but now that they are living it, they _really don’t have regrets_.
You have captured and written down my exact feelings on being a father. I’m unable to quantify, express or write down my emotions in any shape or form, so thank you for this!
Yes, I should not have a produced them (or, at the very least, it was not wise enough to do so when I did). Looking back, I am not convinced it was moral for me to produce more persons. I [[love]] [[1uxb0x|https://philosopher.life/#1uxb0x]] and [[j3d1h|https://philosopher.life/#j3d1h]] more than I know how to put into words. I do not regret being a [[father|https://philosopher.life/#Be%20A%20Good%20Dad]]. If I could do it all over again, I would have waited to be older by 6 years, and I would have adopted or fostered, like my esteemed brother, [[JRE]].
Edit: Feel free to voice a justification with your downvote. I have answered the question in good faith and with my skin in the game. Are you looking for honesty or not?
No. They’re hard work, and consume a lot of your time, but they’re awesome. Especially during the pandemic when we’re shut in the house so much of the time, they bring laughter, energy, and change to the house daily (my kids a young so developing fast).
I remember looking at my first daughter as she was laid on the hospital bed just as I was about to pick her up to leave the hospital with my wife.
At that moment I realised that I was not immortal, that one day I would die, that I had to do my very very best for this tiny human because it was down to me to protect her, to help shape her life, to help her become whatever she could be.
I took a photo of her on that bed, still have it in an album and it will always be one of the most powerful moments of my life.
She helped me define who I am, who I wanted to be.
She's 31 this year, her sister a few years younger and there is literally nothing I would change.
If I regret anything, it is leaving the planet in the state it is in.
beautiful but it’s the other way around. when you look at your kid(s) you realize that you are in fact immortal (your genes not you per se but it’s pretty close).
Kids take your time. Like, a lot. Almost all of it, and sometimes more than that. It's easy to resent the lost time. It's easy to try to carve out some time for yourself, but too often it gets carved out of the kids' needs.
That's what I regret. Not the kids, but my selfishness with my time and attention while they were growing up.
If you're going to have kids, have them. Go all in. Don't withhold yourself from them.
(The opposite can be a problem, too. The kids take almost all your time, but they can't become your identity or your life. That leaves you becoming the little-league parent who's yelling at the coach, or the parent who can't let their kids be adults once their grown. But the way my selfishness showed up was in trying to keep my time for myself.)
Interesting. I think my dad having his own interests and hobbies (cars, woodworking, etc) that he was conspicuously excited about, could teach and share with me in limited ways, etc. was a big part of the person I became and of my relationship with him.
If he had given up those passions to just interact with me 24x7 I think I would have felt a little suffocated.
Sure. But you can do your interests with your kids, or you can do your interests to escape from your kids. The former worked for you (and me, with my father). The latter I did too often with my kids.
Most of the time it was an escape. That's why it felt genuine, and not like a pretext for cheesy father-son bonding time, on the occasions when he would invite me to participate. Part of it was riding along to go pick up a tool from Craigslist, but another part of it was him being in the shop for much longer than my attention span, being a craftsman, getting things done, while I understood that this is the kind of person he is, and I aspired to be the same kind of person in my own way on the computer upstairs.
Answering this question honestly in public is a foolish thing to do, they might read your answer some day, and fail to take care of you in your old age as revenge, set you adrift on an ice flow, instead of caring for you. (Note, they have zero obligation to care for you... that's not a reason to have kids)
I've traded a lot of time and anxiety to enter a parallel universe. In between the stores and shops you visit are things you skipped over without notice, like clothing shops for kids, toy stores, etc.
There are a lot of skills you learn, and kids in general get far less annoying, because you've now got empathy for their parents, and just smile instead, to give support.
Parenting is a big choice, there are no official manuals, but there is an enormous support group all around you.
No, I don't regret it.
Advice: I feel the strong need to point out that miscarriages happen, 80% of them in the first trimester. You might want to wait until the 2nd trimester before telling anyone outside your very immediate family.
Advice: Your primary responsibility is to parent, you can be friendly right up until that line.
No. But I do somewhat regret waiting fairly long to have them. It was certainly a trade off, and being kid-free for our earlier years certainly gave my wife and I the freedom to do as we pleased and establish solid careers without having to factor kids in all the time. The flip side is that I wish I had my younger body and energy now that we do have kids. They are very taxing, and I would sometimes like to be more all in with them, but it is certainly tougher at 47 than it probably would have been at 37.
I really don’t know if I’d change the timing if I could do it all again. Probably not, but it has been something I’ve thought about. OTOH I’ve never had such a thought about having kids at all. They’re wonderful.
My eldest was born when I was 24, and my youngest when I was 30. Now at 49, we're approaching empty-nest-hood -- other than the copious time we spent with our 2-year-old grandson. But at least we get to sleep....
No. However, the person I was before having kids no longer exists and isn’t coming back. I think people unprepared or unwilling to accept this will possibly regret having children.
Very true. I didn’t want a child, my wife wanted nothing more. I was afraid I would screw up, worried my self-centered life would end, that I couldn’t love a child. I had those thoughts until the moment I held my first daughter. Now I can neatly divide my life into 28 years before I had children and the different person I became after. It was like a switch flipped that day, and I never looked back with regret.
Not at all. I have three now-adult children. Children can give structure and purpose to life. Raising children is not for everyone and it’s a big responsibility. Anecdotally very few parents I know regret having children, but I know a few who admit some regret, often expressed in terms of missed opportunities, which sometimes sounds like selfishness.
My mother had seven children. She once told me that every one of her children reminded her of mistakes she had made (in hindsight). She didn’t regret or resent her children, but she did regret the opportunities her children may have closed off for her.
Do not know how to answer this question. We raised my brother-in-law's two kids when he died. There were known quantities because we have been part of their lives since the days that they were born, and until he died, they spent as many days at our place as their place.
Personally, for various reasons, both my sister and myself and our spouses are zero-growth supporters, but I strongly support the efforts of good people to have and raise children and seek the joys of parenthood.
My biggest regrets about 'having' two children is the loss of their father (My brother in law was a good friend and good parent) and the loss of our lives' works and plans. We worked hard to get to this 'place' in life and were about to wind down to early retirement - that and much other stuff went away. Now at 64, I little to show for my years of sacrifice and working two and three jobs at a time after paying for the health and education and rearing of the niece and nephew.
If you are going to have kids, expect good stuff, but be responsible enough to plan for the worst. If you cannot afford to plan for the worst, then do not burden your remaining relatives with the weight of your excesses and selfish decisions.
Finally, not having children is not being selfish. It is the opposite. You are giving up much for living by your principles.
No. I was very nervous about it before I had kids, but I’m very glad I did. It’s not always easy raising them, but it’s also not nearly as hard as I thought it would be, and it’s much more fun than I imagined.
FWIW being around other people’s kids isn’t a good proxy for what having your own will be like. With other people’s kids you see a lot of the more challenging stuff (managing them during “grown up” activities), and miss most of the fun, which happens more in the quiet day to day.
Absolutely not. I waited a while and was satisfied with my progress in career, marriage, and life (probably makes a big difference on outcome). I also had extremely low expectations of what it would be like, which has only served to make the experience all the better.
I was 33 when I had my first and then a few years later had twins. Was scared as hell, didn’t want to proceed, but so, so glad I did. Never been as happy in my life as now.
The love you feel is so intense it’s scary. And it only grows. Adds a whole new dimension to your life. I think people who have the means to raise children and categorically say they don’t want to might be missing out.
There are good reasons for not having them (one I’ll get to below), but if it’s to travel the world or start a company at the expense of NEVER having kids (I don’t mean just holding off), what a waste of a life. I know that’s harsh, but that just goes to show how much my kids mean to me.
Some people shouldn’t have children, even if they have the means. If you can’t accept raising an individual with separate desires, motivations, and values from yours, you’re not going to enjoy the experience. A lot of people expect their children to be chips off the old block, and in many ways they are, but in more ways, they’re not.
There is a lot of bad information about child raising on social media sites like Reddit, Twitter, and even HN some times. You can safely ignore anything on the internet that resembles the /r/childfree subreddit.
Having kids isn’t for everyone, and that’s fine. The happy child-free couples I know actually like children but decided against having their own. Some of the childfree people, particularly on Reddit and other internet sites, try to make having children sound as terrible as possible to help justify and defend their own decision. You can safely ignore their complaints, too.
Parenting is work, but it’s not the end of the world. Raising kids costs money, but it’s not the bottomless money pit I thought it would be based on what I saw on the internet. In fact, parenting in general is almost nothing like what I read about online. My advice is to seek out some happy parents around you and ask them for advice. The happy parents tend to blend in and not broadcast to the world that they like their kids, because nobody likes hearing people brag about their own children endlessly.
I think though the overly positive replies in this thread are a bit... misleading. And frankly read a lot like something extremely religious people would write about their newfound religion. It doesn't read like rational discourse.
Of course, once you already have children, you are not going to be regretting it. It would just feel horrible to do so. The children, no matter how difficult they might make your life, are innocent little creatures, and you make it work - what else are you going to do? And the effort you put in, helps with the bonding. And of course you try to focus on the positives and forget the negatives - for your own wellbeing and sanity.
What's misleading is that the people replying are not considering the counterfactual in good faith. What would their life be like had they not taken the plunge? After all, it probably wasn't all that horrible before they made the decision either. Could it be that other options would've made their life better? Perhaps, the stress of children had led to deterioration in their relationship with their spouse, or made both of them age a lot, and they would've been able to enjoy each other's company so much more without. Perhaps it meant they had to give up some of their childhood dreams. Perhaps they had to cling to a job they didn't particularly like (or, indeed, hate) because they could no longer afford to take risks. Perhaps they no longer had the time to grind leetcode and get into a FAANG. Perhaps they would've got the benefits of having children and fewer of the downsides by caring for their nieces and nephews instead, or by just getting a cat.
Otherwise it becomes meaningless. You could ask someone that had children at the age of 16 if they regret it, and you would probably get the same responses as in this thread - 'of course not, best thing that ever happened to me; yes it has been tough, yes it meant I had to make sacrifices with my education and career, but I wouldn't trade the experiences with my child for anything in the world'. Yet we all recognize that having children at 16 is not the smartest idea.
I am one of those people you are describing, and I actually 100% agree with your assessment! But I think I was fair: as I said in original reply elsewhere (not this thread), it may be Stockholm syndrome, but once you’re in you can’t help but be all-in. It is necessary to remain sane, and thus, it changes you.
The only useful semi-rational heuristic I can ascribe to my general stance is that: before I had kids, life was objectively much easier, but I had many regrets and suffered greatly from causes of my own invention. After having kids, my kids are the cause of my suffering and I have no regrets about it. Biology assists you there because it makes you love them even though they are frequently the cause of your suffering.
One of the other _pragmatic_ reasons for having kids that I didn’t actually notice until after having kids, is that old people seem to often (but not always) become confused, lonely, and out of touch with modern realities and culture. Family creates, for many, a lifelong bond that bucks this tendency. Of course there are other stressful bonding scenarios that do this, like for combat vets, but seldom are they so cross-generational. The perspective shifts are also quite powerful, and there’s an amazing amount of high quality children’s media (especially books) that are no less powerful for being written in an ELI5 way…sorta like how good coders write lots of good code easily and great coders write only a tiny bit of code that seems totally obvious to everyone upon reading, but that was never done before. Anyway, most of that stuff I know I would have missed.
Along similar lines, you get exposed to a much more diverse community: the parents of your children’s friends, and various other child-centered communities. Almost all of my closest friends today, I only met as a side-effect of having kids. There’s probably a counterfactual for the childless but I haven’t lived that life and don’t know anything about it!
There are countless pragmatic reasons not to have kids. I think when people ask, “do you regret this life,” it is their lizard-brain kicking in, nudging then towards “yes it is time.” For those of us who have had them, our own lizard-brains kick in with their own reply. An ancient call and response.
After all, all the people smart enough not to have kids never achieved offspring to carry on that lifestyle, and likewise for the pack/community that discourages ever having kids.
As an atheist, my respect goes out to the “achildists” for bucking the trend: it is a dying breed by definition. As a “childist,” like some sort religious nut, all I can do when confronted with the question “do you regret having kids” is share what is in my heart: having kids is tough but I don’t regret it.
——
If someone was asking: “should I have kids?” then the answer might be very different! I’d probably say: “…no, why would you want to do that??” If someone is wondering about regrets, though, then they either have kids and have regrets or they are already feeling the call and asking for a lifeline to resist it. In either case, “sorry bub, your lizard-brain won, it’s too late, but here’s what you can look forward to.”
No. Like IggleSniggle I miss the healthy sleep/exercise/social life/hobbies pre-kid, but that’s about all I “lost” and I would choose to have my kid again in a heartbeat. She was born at the beginning of covid and I worked from home for the first year of her life, so I got to see her grow from newborn to toddler every day of her life. That totally redefined my worldview and priorities and made me a more optimistic and (I hope) loving human being. My kid is also just so much fun.
YMMV though; my wife and I were planning on being DINKs for life and we had to make a conscious effort to decide to want our baby. We definitely accomplished that, but I have no idea what it’s like to want to have a kid, or what it’s like to accidentally have a kid and to end up not being able to enjoy it.
BUT: You are MUCH more likely to regret your choice of WHO you have kids with than the kids themselves. Having kids together ties you closely to that person for a very long time (20+ years), whether you like it or not. Think VERY carefully about whether this is what you want with this person.
Do you really know this person?If you were going to die next year, and you had to spend the whole year with one person, is this who you would choose?
Another BUT: At least for me, it took until my child was about 2 years old to feel she is amazing. I regretted it immensely during the first 24 months (I am a male). I have heard a lot of other reports of this anecdotally - for some men, it takes longer to become attached to the baby. It can be disorienting, especially relative to expectations (like other posts here where the love happens at first sight).
All that said, kids are by far the greatest source of happiness, meaning, and pride in my life (which was not at all devoid of those things before the kids).
My child is an interesting person, who I am glad to know, and whom I am proud to have influenced to become what she is and will be.
I never wanted kids until I met my wife, but now I'm happy she talked me into the idea. Our child has made our lives better and stands a pretty fair chance of having a good life on her own.
No. I have one and another on the way and hoping for more in the future. It’s never hard. He is just a tiny human with needs and wants all of his own and I do my best to help him get what he needs and learn about the world around him. It’s an amazing thing to watch and his abilities humble me every day.
I don't have children but I have a friend that I think regrets having his second child.
First one was a daughter and it went well enough that they decided to have a second one. This time they had a son. But this time things were tougher because his son was a bit weird and my friend is a bit weird too. Wife this time needed more help with raising this kid (because of other problems in her life) but my friend wasn't able to help. This kid annoyed him immensly. Finally their relationship ended in a divorce and first thing he did was a vasectomy. Divorce was initiated by the wife which had a great relief from peace and quiet after removing my friend from the family. He is more sour about the divorce. I think he felt misjudged. They were both my friends as a couple. Now each is a separate friend of mine.
If you do have kids, there may not be an immediate attachment and that’s ok too. I was attached but everyone is different.
I did just realize the monthly price of day care is more than the price of a small private plane, so it definitely changes priorities. But I would rather have a kid than a plane.
Don't have kids so no direct experience but I read the book Everybody Lies which looked at google search trends and was just fascinating and I do think mentioned that many people actually do regret having kids (and also a lot of women wonder if they're male partners are gay). So, if you regret having kids, you're probably less alone than you think!
I’d be curious to hear from someone who truly regrets having kids. I haven’t read the book, but searching google (or saying out loud) “I regret having kids” doesn’t necessarily mean that they always, or even most of the time, mean that.
If you want "yes" answers there's a narrative book-length study an Israeli feminist did on the question, with interviews of some mothers who regretted it. I've not found anything on fathers.
... and it's also worth noting that in the introduction of this book O. Donath, the author posts a typical example of one of the interesting death threats, wishes for her death, etc etc that she got from news reports of her original 2015 article that she expanded into the book
Cons: It's difficult. It's time consuming. I have less time for my hobbies. I get less sleep. I have more arguments with my wife. I save less money. I see my friends less. I rarely go out to the pub anymore. It is a huge sacrifice.
Pros: All the cons and everything else.
Conclusion: My daughter has been the greatest gift I have received.
Parenting is the most wonderful horrible thing you’ll ever do in life.
This provides the opportunity to share this related poem: “ They fuck you up your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do. They fill you with the faults they had and add some extra just for you.” - Philip Larkin: This be the verse
Something I never realised about having kids is that you get to re-live some of your childhood as they experience it for the first time. It's almost like being reborn, if that makes sense?
It's really not a great question, since if a person was unhappy about having kids, I don't suspect they'd chime in on a forum like this. I think a better question for the childless but considering to ask is for people who never had children, do you regret it?
I decided to not have children. Thing is, if nowadays people actually weighed all the cons and pros of having kids they would never go through with it. So all the people I know just go "all in" without thinking much, that's the only way it works, kinda. These are my reasons of not having children:
* The so-called "nuclear family" is destroyed. Divorce rates are through the roof, families torn apart and children end up as collateral damage and bargaining chips. The grand irony of liberalism is that it's designed to eventually self destruct.
* Chances that your kid will have issues like genetic, allergies, autism, etc are pretty high nowadays.
* Even if you sacrifice your life for the child and do everything right, there's a chance he will end up being an ungrateful bastard anyway.
Easy to drop those allergy and autism rates to 0 if you don't vaccinate. And before you reflexively hit the downvote button, go look up autism and allergy rates in countries that don't vaccinate. Meanwhile general nutrition and sanitation has done more to eliminate disease than vaccination ever did.
Yes, regrets: I don’t sleep properly because of them, my self-care has gone down the tubes, and they brought out a temper in me that I never knew that I had (probably a side-effect of the sleep deprivation). Life is generally much harder.
No regrets: I love them dearly…I guess everybody says that. If you’ve ever had that “struck by lightning” falling-in-love, it was like that for me for each of my kids. It’s a deep, lizard-brain bond and I know I will love them with my whole heart until my dying breath. Perhaps more useful to hear, though, if you don’t have kids already: it has permanently changed who I am, in every way. I really much prefer the person that I am now than who I was before having kids.
They say you shouldn’t have kids for the following reason, but dammed if I can figure out why: children have given my life purpose.
That purpose infected me and begat many other purposes; I changed careers, I took up new hobbies, I developed skills I previously had no interest in, all of which have contributed to a much richer and more meaningful life, albeit more difficult as well.
It is also often said that kids are very expensive (and they really are, in both time and money). However, at least for me, many of the life choices that have made me significantly more financially secure, I never would have made if I hadn’t had kids. And although I have far less time, my time now feels valuable to me. Psychologically, I feel much better grounded and happier in general. My kids have made me richer in every respect, including the counter-intuitive ways.
Sometimes I joke with my wife that the above sentiments are Stockholm syndrome. Maybe so, but that doesn’t make the sentiment any less real, even if it is born out of a fundamental irrationality. Keep that in mind while reading folks who say they have no regrets: their past selves might have regretted it, but now that they are living it, they _really don’t have regrets_.